Alternative Ending for the NBA lockout of 2011

, Wednesday, November 30, 2011 at 11:53 AM Comments (1)

We have a number of hoops-heads at The Drubbing.  We believe that the NBA season can be saved.  We believe that Dwayne Wade’s shouting match with Commissioner Stern will not lead us any closer to a new collective bargaining agreement.  We believe that one player has the capability to thwart basketball Armageddon.

That player said that he would fly to New York for future negotiations if the negotiations were at a point that warranted his attendance.  That player could save the NBA.  That player’s name is Kobe Bryant.  This is the story of how Kobe Bryant taking over the role of lead negotiator on behalf of the Union will save the NBA season.

NBA’s new collective bargaining agreement meetings will continue.  Billy Hunter will remain at the head of the table with his right-hand D-Fish by his side.  Both Fisher and Hunter will vow that the players continue to “stand” united.  For hoops-heads everywhere, intervention is required.  Kobe cannot wait for Billy and D-Fish to call his iPhone.  Kobe must take over the role of lead negotiator.

As Billy Hunter, D-Fish, and Commissioner Stern sip their morning coffee and being the civil discourse that reportedly has characterized negotiations, loud music all of a sudden starts playing.

Kobe enters the bargaining room flanked by Gilbert Arenas and Caron “Tough Juice” Butler.  While Commissioner Stern, Billy Hunter, and D-Fish believe that Kobe, Kaman, and Caron are coming to join in negotiations, they had no idea what was really in store for the meeting.

After greeting the parties to the bargaining session and a bit of friendly discourse, Kobe proceeds to his chair.  Rather than taking a seat at the table, Kobe takes his chair and knocks Hunter over the head, then points at Fish and then slowly at the door.  Knowing his role, D-Fish, head down, slowly walks out of the negotiation room.  Gilbert and Butler then start kicking Hunter while he is on the ground stunned at the turn of events.

Kobe in the role of Hollywood Hulk Hogan, Gilbert as Kevin Nash and Butler in the role of Scott Hall all take their seats at the table, which were previously occupied by Billy Hunter and Derek Fisher.  All three are silent as Kobe just stares, deadpan at Commissioner Stern.  The ensuing conversation takes place:

Stern: Kobe, please let the professionals handle this.
Kobe: I’m going to make that incident in Colorado seem like child’s play when I am done with you, Dave.
Stern: Ha (nervously), good one.
Kobe: I’m f**king serious, here are our demands.  I’ll give you 20minutes to accept or you’ll find out why I’m called the ‘Black Mamba’.
Prokhorov: (in the middle of offering one of the catering girls money for a lap dance) I enjoy Lou Bega.

Meanwhile, in the back of the room, Chris Bosh feels a vibration on his hip.  He receives a text from the Atlanta Dream, it says “need $$? B our #1 option.”

Stern: Kobe, listen most of our teams are losing money.

Kobe: don’t feed be that bullshit.  I’m done with this, Gilbert show him how you handle disputes.
Gilbert arenas then places three hand guns on the table and tells Dave to draw one.

Thumbs DownThumbs Up (No Ratings Yet)