The Drubbing

I’m tired of Clark Kellogg ruining NCAA tournament games. There is such a great pool of announcers, there is no excuse to continue to let him make a fool of himself and a mockery of the NCAA and the game of basketball. And I love Jim Nance, but Jimmy’s best place is up in the tower at Amen corner broadcasting The Masters live from Augusta National. Let’s leave this game to the professionals (that doesn’t mean you Doris Burke).

Don’t get me wrong, removing Billy Packer was a welcome change, and long overdue. But replacing one bad announcer with another isn’t really a change. It was really just an ACC shift. I’ve never heard any announcer openly root for any team than Billy Packer for Duke. Until maybe I heard Clark Kellogg root for UNC while doing the championship game.

In case there is anyone out there besides Clark “Kelly” Kellogg and Jim “Nancy” Nance, that don’t think they should be replaced, I decided to collect a few of Kelly’s rambling buffoonery during this year’s contest. Cause we all know, the game wasn’t that entertaining to begin with.

Michigan State is on it’s heels just a bit here.

How does one find themselves on their heels just a bit. I’ve seen teams were knocked on their heels, and teams that weren’t, but never on their heels just a bit.

They are the epitome of the spurtability team.

Excuse me? Did you just say what I thought you said? Please Nancy, don’t ask him what he means, please don’t do it. Noooooo, you asked.

Other than Lawson, the Michigan State guards are smaller than Fraser and Ellington.

And other than the words that come out of your mouth, you’re a great announcer Kelly. And other than Tyler Hansbrough UNC doesn’t have any Player of the Year recipients on their roster. Come on Clark, Step it up.

He went for a lower body root canal and got called for a foul.

There are some things that just should never be said in our day-to-day lives or on TV. This is one of them. I don’t know where to start with this one.

The overall size of UNC has just been too much for Michigan State, inside and on the perimeter.

They’re clicking on all cylinders thus far tonight.

I don’t know about Kelly and Nancy, but if I hear my cylinders clicking, I’m pulling over, getting out of the car and waiting for a tow truck before the thing explodes.

You can’t spurt-proof North Carolina if you don’t make open shots.

Well at least you didn’t say “spurtability” again.

No Clark Kellogg at halftime so my rage has shifted to the ridiculous Microsoft/HP commercial.

I don’t want to pay for the brand, I want to pay for the computing power.

Right, because HP isn’t a brand, and neither is Microsoft or Windows. And they don’t charge you for those brands either.

Michigan State needs to approach this game in 4-minute chunks. Plus 2, Plus 4, anything positive will do.

I’m no mathematician Clark, but if they’re down 21 points at half-time. They’re going to need more than Plus 2, Plus 4 during five, four-minute chunks. That only adds up to 20 points. Of course anything positive will do, if they’re not trying to win the game.

Side note, is the song “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot really appropriate to use when pushing a Burger King kids meal? Regardless, the cast of coaches in the Rock Band commercial just made up for all of the other shitty commercials.

He got a lot of arm, but he also got some arm as well.

Just when I thought Clark Kellogg might have been all idioted-out for the night, he came up with this gem. Thanks Clark, for ruining another NCAA Championship game. It wasn’t much of a contest, but at least a decent announcing crew could’ve made the second half watchable.

It was nice to see Vince Carter and Antawn Jamison repping UNC well, taking a break from their respective teams to attend the championship games since the playoffs aren’t an option for either of them. I wondered where Marvin Williams was, oh right, playing for a team that wins games.

Final Tallies:

Cousey Award Mentions (Man Kelly and Nancy really love UNC) – 3
Cries of dismay at calls that went against UNC – 4
Mentions of spurtability – 3
Times Danny Green’s mouth closed – 1 (probably none but you gotta pity the poor guy)