The Drubbing

Editor’s Note: This story was originally posted on the previous iteration of The Drubbing, 3SportsGods.

So after I finished eating my dinner and I was cleaning up, I went to put away my hamburger helper when Bam! It hit me. The helper; all over the floor, all over the inside of the refrigerator, all over the walls and all over me. No I am not talking about the Helper hitting me, I am talking about an euphony…I suck at life. Its true and I am going to show you why. All of a sudden today I cannot lift my throwing arm because my shoulder felt like someone ran a Mac 10 over it (this is probably from sleeping on my side) and on the ride home on the metro my neck stiffened up from reading a book. Now the kicker, I am currently hitting .460 and slugging .680 in my wooden bat baseball league (side note: you know you are doing well when you are the thinnest guy on the team yet you bat cleanup) and I have 4 games in 3 days coming up. However, I cannot move my neck to see the ball or lift my arm to throw!

Now I have mentioned my physical parts to sucking at life, but oh there’s more. I make the least amount of money in my house, and I have been single for a good 6 months. Being the poorest person in your house is not fun at all, and being the only single person in the house, well, I have trouble sleeping when the upstairs of my house is shaking like a cheap vibrating bed at a roadside motel along the strip in Vegas. I recently went to a wedding for a high school friend of mine and had all my parent’s friends telling me that age is way too young to get married. I told them, I cannot afford to go out on a date, never mind get married.

Finally we get to the fun part, my sports teams! I grew up in the 80’s where I barely remembered the Celtics having those great championships and Hall of Fame teams. I do remember some great moments from the Bird, Ainge, Parish, McHale era, but my most vivid memory is after they retired. No team can recover from losing 3 Hall of Famers, and having Len Bias’s unfortunate overdose, accompanied with Reggie Lewis’ unbelievable passing a few years later Boston has not recovered. We have gone through coaches and players like a turnstile and even moved away from the beloved Garden to the Fleet Center! Now the C’s are stuck with an incompetent GM and a core group of players that barely make the playoffs and then lose in the first round so we cannot get into the lottery!! During the late 90’s I even turned my focus to the Supersonics with GP and Kemp, but they even got destroyed by the runaway Bulls and MJ…. my basketball team sucks.

So my NBA team is going through a bad time, so what you say? Lets talk about my baseball team, the Red Sox. In 1986 I barely remembered the Celtics winning, but I do remember the Red Sox in late fall losing one of the most heart wrenching losses ever in Major League history. Why you may ask? Hearing people cheer and be happy is one thing, but you remember when four letter words, cushions, pillows and remotes are thrown across the room at the TV. I learned some of my best playground material from that fateful night. The next day I was king during recess, I had words and phrases that kids only heard from their older brother or sister. Then came game 7 of the 2003 division series against the Yankees and Aaron Bleepin’ Boone. I was enjoying myself watching the Sox take a nice lead when, Bam! It happened again. My girlfriend at the time, (who happened to be from New York, believe me I won’t make that mistake in the future) stopped by my house after a long drive. She proceeds to sit next to me to watch the game, and that is when the Yankees started to score, little by little. And that is when she started to push my buttons and cheer. She did not realize that thi s game meant more then her, more then my family, more then life itself to a Boston fan, and when I blew up at her and went to the basement to watch the game, now tied in the 9th she became salty and went to bed early. So I get to watch my Sox lose in extra innings AND I have my girlfriend not speaking to me the rest of the night, the one night in my life I needed someone to help me find my heart that was ripped, stepped on and then laughed at by the Yankees….ya I suck at life.

So now you say the Patriots have won two of the last three Super Bowls, which is very true. But does anyone remember a New England team in the 80’s and early 90’s? No, why? Because with the exception of one Super Bowel appearance in the 80’s (where apparently someone told the Pats that you only play one half in the Super Bowl, and in the second half you let a team laugh, dance and party over you) New England finished at the bottom of the division just about every year. Just painful times, when most of America watched their teams, Boston fans could not wait for the season to be over! And childhood memories as studies have shown, strongly affects the way you grow up and the person you have become. So since my sports teams suck, my body is starting to suck, and as a kid I was not allowed to say the word “suck” because it was somehow bad, I now suck at life.